Do you find yourself going through life without stopping to ask yourself “Am I living on my own terms?” A new year brings the opportunity to turn over a new leaf and reflect on how you have been living. You intend to make your own resolutions but find yourself caught up in what others expect you to do, feel or say. This is not sustainable for a truly happy life. Here are 7 tips to help you become the best version of yourself in 2023!
1. Stop seeking validation from others
I noticed something about myself just this year. When I am alone, I am very decisive. I am perfectly capable of choosing my own outfit, cooking great meals, producing admirable outcomes with my creativity, and making smart decisions in my work. All of these tasks have been frequently performed by me in my life without a second thought or outside opinion. However, when others are around, I catch myself asking about what I should do. Allow me to expand. I am a labour and delivery nurse. I have been practicing in this field for less than two years and learn something new daily. On a particularly busy shift, my coworkers were scattered, attending to several postpartum and labouring mothers. I was 1:1 with a labouring mother who had a history of precipitous deliveries (for those who don’t know, this means FAST)! New to cervical examinations, I had my coworker check the patient’s cervix with me, reassuring me that although this woman was in the throes of labour, there were several centimetres to go! She then rushed out of the room to continue attending to the busy floor. Given the patient’s history, I had meant to ask my coworker – “do you think we should just call the doctor now?” …. I forgot. When I poked my head out into the hall only a minute or two after she left, I couldn’t find her. The patient in just 2-3 minutes seemed to be increasingly uncomfortable. I thought to myself, “I need to ask someone if I should call the doctor!!” Then I thought, you know what? I am a new nurse but I am trained and intelligent. I’m just going to call the doctor. The doctor was close and only took about 7 minutes or so to arrive. In this time period prior to the doctors’ arrival, I had rang the emergency bell to get my coworkers to come running as I could see the baby’s head crowning. “We have to call the doctor!!” someone yelled. I was so glad to announce that I had already called her and that she was coming quickly! The doctor made it just in time to deliver. Had I waited for someone else to validate my decision to call the doctor, she would not have made it. Now don’t get me wrong- teamwork is an amazing and important part of my work. However, that day I realized that sometimes it is okay to trust my own instinct, knowledge, and training. I can make important decisions, and you can too!!
On a smaller scale, when I first met my husband- I couldn’t cook. No, seriously. I didn’t know how to scramble eggs. My mom and I made a lot of baked goods together when I was growing up, but as far as meals go I was clueless. Of course, I had to ask him lots of questions when preparing a meal. I am happy to share that I am now a great cook, I make a wide variety of tasty meals that we both enjoy. When I am home alone cooking, I put on music and stir, simmer or roast away in peace. When my husband is around, I find myself pausing to ask questions like “should I put more of this spice” or “do you think I should cook that a little longer?” Then I find myself thinking “why am I asking him- I’ve made this dish multiple times on my own and it tasted fine.”
In a society where everyone is expected to share their opinions on everything, we become validation-seeking. We forget who we are, what we like, and what we are capable of when we worry about the opinions of others. You are likely also seeking outside validation more than you need to. I have been training my internal monologue to remind me in times of doubt- “Elise, you already know the answer.” The best version of yourself is self-assured.
2. Continue or further your education
Knowledge is never wasted. My mother always preached this, and now I do the same. In today’s day and age- especially with the internet- there is so much opportunity to learn new things. Simply youtube, google or even choose an online learning platform like skillshare to find thousands of educational resources to help you learn. Want to play guitar, learn photography, build a website, or knit a sweater? If you’re reading this post definitely have a device with access to the internet- so what are you waiting for? Know what is going on in your community. This past year, I started taking took piano lessons. It has been my new year’s resolution for THREE years to learn an instrument and I finally did. Don’t be me- don’t wait! I also built this very website from scratch by watching youtube tutorials! Perhaps you want something that requires a university or college or simply a certificate course. The best version of yourself sees value in lifelong learning.
3. Recognize your “people-pleasing” hobbies or beliefs
I hate knitting. (sorry, Mom). My mom, grandmother, and several other loved ones are great knitters. I’ve spent many hours trying to get the hang of knitting and maybe even enjoy it. I have yet to succeed in this. It bores me out of my mind. I would simply rather do anything else. The same goes for similar crafts in this realm involving a needle. Embroidery, sewing, crocheting, quilting- I hate them all. I don’t know why. I do know that I have gone back to these things time and time again because my mom wants me to learn. Although she wishes to pass these skills on to me, she still loves me the same whether I can knit or not. Overall, there is no real reason why I must make myself do these things. She has many other reasons to be proud of me, and she is! Think about your “why” when you are pushing yourself to reach goals. Do they align with what you want? Do things for yourself and the people who love you will love you the same. Enough said. The people that do not love you the same aren’t worth your time. The best version of yourself is unique in how you spend your time.
“Success is only meaningful and enjoyable if it feels like your own.”
4. Ask yourself “what am I good at?”
You know deep down that you are good at something. What is it? I had a quarter-life crisis after university. I had gone to university right from high school and was so used to having to study in my free time that I didn’t know what to do with myself on my days off of work. As someone who was always involved in organized sports and extra-curricular activities, making my own routine to keep busy was daunting. I now go to the gym and spin classes regularly by myself, read for pleasure (no more textbooks!), and work on my piano skills. What are you interested in learning? Or, what are you already capable of doing almost without thinking? Do you sing in the shower and it actually sounds good? Does everything you cook taste incredible? It may be something like cleaning or organizing, talking to people, or planning events. How could you make these things into a hobby? Better yet, how could you make these into an income? If you can’t think of anything you’re good at in your adult life, the next step might help you see things from a different perspective and answer the question. The best version of yourself recognizes that everyone is good at something.
5. Reminisce upon what you loved doing as a child
Being a kid was so fun, wasn’t it? Our parents weren’t lying when they said “someday you’ll wish you were this age again.” Did you hear that phrase too? There were so many things we did without thinking about as a kid, and we had fun doing them. Most of us had not yet experienced the harsh judgment that comes with adult life and a society that shares everything. Our confidence was unscathed. Our time was endless. Our determination was limitless. We didn’t have the knowledge or capacity to filter what we said or did to fit societal expectations. We just did and said whatever came to mind. So what were we good at or passionate about then? When we didn’t care what other people thought. Did we make a ton of water colour art, write imaginative stories or build amazing forts out of whatever we could find? How can that transcend into the way we spend our time today? What holds you back from using these skills just as well or better now? These questions help you dig deeper into what you are passionate about. The best version of yourself uses your past to grow and learn from.
6. Evaluate your relationships
Relationships are hard. Most people think of a romantic partner when the topic of relationships surfaces. If your romantic partner brings more difficulty than happiness into your life, that is a problem. Know what you deserve and don’t settle for less. (easier said than done, I know). This rings true for other relationships too, with family, coworkers, and friends. You do not always get to choose who you cross paths with, but you can choose how much time and energy you invest into these relationships. If people are worth it, make the amends you need to. If they’re not, you aren’t required to be in their fan club. Being respectful and civil is one thing. Fighting tooth and nail to be a constant in someone’s life and not getting the same reciprocation is another. Nobody warns you about the breakups with friends you’ll experience as you move through life. I had a couple of friends that I used to spend a lot of time with. One of us was scarcely seen without the others. When convenience was no longer a factor and we were miles apart with busy adult lives, it naturally became difficult to make plans. One summer weekend, we discovered we were all available and quickly planned a reunion. I drove six hours to meet these individuals and guess what? They cancelled at the last minute. “Sorry girl. It’s just a lot.” yeah, I agree. A lot of bullsh*t and gas money and heartache for me. You not showing up is no skin off your back. I am learning to put into relationships what others are willing to put in. No more going the extra mile- or 200+ miles (*wipes away tears*) for people who are quick to let you down or brush you off at the slightest inconvenience. In another instance, I moved to a new province during a pandemic. Yes, I know everyone’s sick of hearing about cov!d-19. Seriously though, moving to a new place when only groups of ten are allowed to gather is depressing. When am I gonna be in someone’s top ten picks, I barely know anyone?! A girl I’d met in a few social situations made a post online about how hard it is to make friends in a small town. She further went on to say, “looking for friends who want to go on coffee dates, take cute pictures, and work out together.” Well hello there, you’ve found me!! I reached out and was well received. We spent time together on a few occasions. This person regularly said yes to my invitations. Yes, she hung out with me and others I introduced her to, sat on my couch, laughed at my jokes, and ate my food. To my knowledge, she always had a good time. Despite this, there was not once when this person initiated plans with me. I could’ve kept being the initiator since it still landed me plans- but the hurt of seeing or hearing of this person’s plans and ‘girls’ nights’ of her own without ever inviting me was emotionally exhausting. I told myself I wouldn’t try to engage with this person anymore. Not as a punishment to them – I understand that not everyone is obligated or meant to be my friend- but as an act of self-love. I am happier without wondering “why didn’t she invite me when I always invite her? Is there something wrong with me?” When you stop chasing the wrong people, you have much more time and room in your life for people that are your true friends. The best version of yourself does not pursue relationships where you are not happy or meant to be.
7. Ask yourself “what would I do if money wasn’t a factor?”
This is something people often ask themselves when considering a career change. You might be considering a career change but likely don’t have the means to wake up and quit your job. Start small and apply your answer to this question to your free time. This is similar to tips #4 and 5 in terms of narrowing down what to do when you feel conflicted, confused, or bored. You may think that you don’t have time to enjoy much outside of the career that makes you money but that’s not true. Instead of switching on the television to watch shows you’ve already seen or scrolling on your phone, set aside time for your passion. It may or may not be feasible to do all day every day- but at least grant yourself permission to practice what you love on a smaller scale. Then, who knows, practicing what you love on a smaller scale may lead to something greater. The best version of yourself spends their time wisely.
We have been through a lot in this post. I hope that something I’ve said resonates with you and that it inspires you to make big changes this year! Say goodbye to what doesn’t feel good and tap into what does feel good. Everything you need to be the best version of yourself is already within you. What will you accomplish this year?
